Dreaded Night

2012-06-17_13-58-49_388

Only the Lord can change me
I cannot do it myself
I have tried so hard
And failed

In the daylight
I seem to have my senses
And I am good
And even at night
I bless my dreams
And beg protection for them

But when he tested me in my slumber
I failed so miserably
And now I fear my own self
I now doubt that I would pass in the daylight

The cleansing fire awaits me
To burn away the rust of sin on my soul
To burn away the passion
That leads to damnation
I will gladly throw myself into it
To get rid of the slumbering me

I wonder how long it will be with me
…..the memory of that moment
When I chose to do wrong
And questioned how God would deny me feelings so great.

I wonder how long I will feel like such a failure
And now I know why he wouldn’t lead me to greatness in the first place
Because I would put it before Him
And His opinion of me

But whether I have REALLY done IT or not
I have still failed for I chose to do wrong
In my slumber
When I thought no one was looking
And so I will be denied greatness
For I cannot be trusted

Oh! To not pass his test…
Oh! To fail before His eyes…
With great sorrow
I hate myself
In all it’s passion
The human
Fighting the universal facts
The pure lust of what a human is
The passion that drives every man
That is what I must face
And be able to deny myself
Or the cleansing fire it will be for me.

I cannot change myself
I have tried so hard
And have failed
He MUST do it for me
Or it just will not get done-
And that is my hope for salvation
Once again, it is not me.
Yet it is the cross
dripping in the Lamb’s blood.
It is my fault
He died that way,
Why should I wish less for myself?

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